Friday, August 19, 2005

Things I've Learned at Hayden Lake, Part F

1. A vacation is not a vacation unless you hire a nanny to come with you on your trip to take care of your child. DaDa will be the first true words out of the baby's mouth, yet where the hell is DaDa, you ask? Fishin' with the boys again. So I am left with the monster and have yet to find a local Teethers Anonymous meeting to attend. Did I mention I need medication?

2. The least helpful person will have the most ideas on how you should get done the things that the least helpful person wants completed.

3. When your husband has a difficult time getting up on the fat ski as the boat zooms away from the beach, yelling "Maybe you've exceeded its weight capacity" for everyone within 3 cabins to hear is not recommended. You will have one of those brief highs with the feeling that maybe you could be a stand up comedian if this whole wife/mother thing doesn't work out, but the look your husband gives you will instantly shrink you to size. The look that you can feel your MIL giving you from BEHIND will make you feel as small as Tinkerbell. Never fear though. As soon as it all happens, you will once again realize what everyone else already knows--you are funny as hell.

4. Perhaps the only thing that feels good on the baby's gums is a wine cork. As he grabs it out of Grandpa's hand, you have a fleeting concern about your child sucking wine from a cork. But as the wailing and gnashing comes to an abrupt silence, your concern shifts that your child's first cork was Merlot and oh, God, I hope the baby doesn't like Merlot. On a phone call later, your sister reminds you that Merlot will probably be all the rage in 21 years and your son will seem cool to his friends.

13 comments:

Robin said...

There are no vacations for you until you pack your child away for college. Until then, You are the nanny on the trip. Didn't you read that in the manual??

Relax, it will all be over soon. :-)

Anonymous said...

Well, if you are that concerned about the merlot, you should try the whiskey suggestion.....my boys Jack and Jim are not only tasty, but timeless.

Your in-laws sound like all of my constituents.....everybody's gone off their pysch meds.

Bet you wouldn't pass on some Xanax right now.

kate

Marel Lecone said...

They so have to know that you are the funniest person ever. When reading your commentary, I shake my head and giggle at the same time. It's terrible, really. :) So, what payback are you living out? hehehe Talk to you later. :)

MB said...

At least you can tell your son that he has his first "sip" of wine early. Tell him you were trementously hip, and he should appreciate it!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

oh my..I cant take it anymore..I love your family..lol

lie Robis says..it will all be over soon;)

Jaime said...

Ugh... #2 is a given. Hey... there can't be more alcohol on that Merlot cork than there is in children's motrin, can there? Okay, well, yeah there is but that still isn't much. ;) *WHATEVER WORKS* :) Sanity is key.
The water skiing comment... priceless. That is freakin' hilarious. Everyone (esp. evil second cousin twice removed) secretly thinks you're hilarious. :)

Kris said...

I think you only have a problem if your child passes up a Wiggles video in favor of Sideways. Then you really should call someone.

PBS said...

Loved this post, especially the "Teethers Anonymous" so funny! But not when I was living through it.

inandoutspoken's MOMMY BRAIN LEFTOVERS! said...

You ARE funny! Just gotta say that I LOVE your blog... it's refreshing to see a mother who isn't putting out that fake front that everything is wonderful & beautiful in kiddy-land! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

momma of 2 said...

Robin - YOU GOT A MANUAL? I want a manual... I looked and looked and in all that paper work that they send home with you in the hospital - there is no warranty paperwork, or user's guides... I mean for the $20-35K that I spent there - I should get a Manual - (or at least a warranty)!

industry whore said...

"2. The least helpful person will have the most ideas on how you should get done the things that the least helpful person wants completed. "

--aaaah how are you writing about my life???

hilarious.

amy said...

Have you become medicated yet? Oh please, I hope so ... or at the very least that you've found your very own wine-soaked cork to suck on.

My SIL is the least unhelpful person EVAH so I think I have some idea of what you must be talking about when yours offers up "ideas." Good grief!

J.P. said...

For some reason, while reading this I was picturing several scenes from the movie Funny Farm. The husband is out on the lake, occasionally putting a hook or two in his fishing partners, who eventually resort to dropping sticks of dynamite in the lake after worms and rods fail them.

The baby can play the role of the psychotic mailman who is always full of surprises and makes lots of noise on a daily basis.