1. A vacation is not a vacation unless you hire a nanny to come with you on your trip to take care of your child. DaDa will be the first true words out of the baby's mouth, yet where the hell is DaDa, you ask? Fishin' with the boys again. So I am left with the monster and have yet to find a local Teethers Anonymous meeting to attend. Did I mention I need medication?
2. The least helpful person will have the most ideas on how you should get done the things that the least helpful person wants completed.
3. When your husband has a difficult time getting up on the fat ski as the boat zooms away from the beach, yelling "Maybe you've exceeded its weight capacity" for everyone within 3 cabins to hear is not recommended. You will have one of those brief highs with the feeling that maybe you could be a stand up comedian if this whole wife/mother thing doesn't work out, but the look your husband gives you will instantly shrink you to size. The look that you can feel your MIL giving you from BEHIND will make you feel as small as Tinkerbell. Never fear though. As soon as it all happens, you will once again realize what everyone else already knows--you are funny as hell.
4. Perhaps the only thing that feels good on the baby's gums is a wine cork. As he grabs it out of Grandpa's hand, you have a fleeting concern about your child sucking wine from a cork. But as the wailing and gnashing comes to an abrupt silence, your concern shifts that your child's first cork was Merlot and oh, God, I hope the baby doesn't like Merlot. On a phone call later, your sister reminds you that Merlot will probably be all the rage in 21 years and your son will seem cool to his friends.