Monday, August 22, 2005

Things I've Learned at Hayden Lake, The Final Chapter

1. If you and your lover decide to sneak out in the middle of the night (OK, 10:30 p.m. but for heaven's sake, that's the middle of the night) to skinny dip and you decide to go through the window, WD-40 it before so it doesn't creak and wake up the baby.

2. If your very tall husband looks out the window and says that you will probably have a difficult time getting back in because the window is too high up, you should probably believe him. Or you can just have grand hopes that when the time comes, you will be blessed with a brilliant solution to the problem.

3. If you wake up the baby as you have one leg out the window and one leg in the room, you should probably go back for the baby if you intend your sneak-out to remain undiscovered.

4. Skinny dipping with an infant is not recommended. What is recommended, however, is hissing through the open window of the cabin next door to your husband's 17-year- old second cousin twice removed and telling her to take the damn baby. She will tell you that you are on crack when she hears what you are doing, but she will take the baby nonetheless.

5. When you get knee deep in the water, Murphy's Law states that your mother-in-law will choose that EXACT MOMENT to come out onto the patio of the Point, a mere 25 feet above you. She will sit down in a chair with a bottle of wine and proceed to chat up your husband's aunt about nothing of importance. Since she talks more than you, you will be left wondering if the 17-year-old second cousin twice removed would be willing to raise your child because MIL is not quite drunk enough to miss this and there is NO WAY IN HELL you are getting out of the water.

6. It is possible to laugh hysterically while swimming in the shadow of the full moon and not get busted.

7. The window is too damn high and what the hell were you thinking going out of it. You are grown adults, married and have a child so you have obviously had sex at least once so it's not like anyone would be surprised if you want to go skinny dipping. Your husband will be forced to sneak through the back door because you also managed to LOCK the window when you shut it because you didn't want to crawl back into bed with a damn raccoon or some other nasty creature. Even when he opens the window and you pass the baby who is talking to the closest tree in his OUTSIDE voice, you find that your ass is too fat and now how the hell are you supposed to get in. Thank God for ladders...

8. Lock the bathroom door. This is standard. Even if you and your husband are the only ones up. Otherwise you are perusing a 3-year-old Woman's Day magazine article about how to lose 35 pounds in 2 weeks by eating watermelon rinds and lemon zest when fun turns to tragedy. And it's not really any big deal because you aren't doing anything on the throne. It is just a combination of spending your entire life with bathrooms that did not have reading material, being fascinated that someone would have Woman's Day in their bathroom, and finally realizing that the throne might be the only place you can relax and be unmolested by anyone.

Until the door creaks open and there stands your FIL in his sarong. You are embarrassed for him (he is wearing a sarong), you are embarrassed for yourself and there is really no backing out of this. As he closes the door in as much haste as he can muster since he is pretty much asleep, your embarrassment moves to the knowledge that maybe your FIL thinks that you read Woman's Day and can there really be anything more embarrassing than that?

15 comments:

MB said...

LOL!!! It's 6:45 AM and I am laughing so hard I have woken up the entire house! Aren't family vacation's fun?

momma of 2 said...

You crack me up! Have a good week - and you sound like you are going to need a vacation from your vacation!

amy said...

That might honestly be the funniest thing I've EVER read. Oh my god, you are a genius. A freaking hilarious on-vacation-with-the-in-laws-genius.

And here I thought I was going to miss you ... ;)

steelcowboy said...

I am freakin' rolling here!

Robin said...

Wow. I am NEVER going on vacation with my in-laws. You have scared me away for life (while possibly saving my life at the same time-thank you!!)!

J.P. said...

This needs to be turned into a movie – an epic comedy/drama.

inandoutspoken's MOMMY BRAIN LEFTOVERS! said...

O M G. You are just too hysterical. I love it!!!

Cathy said...

Once agian, you have indeed saved the best for last....

Hope the sex was as good as the story!

Marel Lecone said...

This was all too amazingly funny! I'm so glad that I won't be vacationing with the in-laws EVER! :) You guys in and out of the window is just too entertaining. hehe Talk to you later.

Humor Girl said...

LOL! That is too funny! These have been so great! Thank you so much for sharing..

Leesa said...

This is too funny!

Gangadhar said...

Very funny..I cannot control myself from laughing out loud!!!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

ok...i cant read this anymore till you get back..I am pissing my pants here...are u happy???..LOL

Jaime said...

Okay, so not that's it's not bad enough either way, but were you still in your "skinny dipping" outfit when you were interrupted on the toilet by your FIL? ;)There is nothing worse than someone walking in on you when you're nakee on the toilet. ESPECIALLY if it's your father-in-law in a sarong. :)

PBS said...

This is so funny!