Saturday, February 18, 2006

I'm in my tree, chopping up the Board of Bar Examiners with a machete, while Celine Dion sings "My Heart Will Go On"**

Two job fields for which I am qualified should this whole test thing not pan out:

1. Mall Security
2. Bouncer

**reference to "I Heart Huckabees" for those who missed it.

Friday, February 17, 2006

How bad can the bar exam be?

Seeking validation, I now give you the list of subjects that I must know by Tuesday...

Conflict of Laws
Personal Property
Constitutional Law
Professional Responsibility
Real Property
Creditor's Rights
Criminal Law and Procedure
Domestic Relations
Uniform Commercial Code
Commercial Paper
Secured Transactions
Federal Practice and Procedure
State Pleading, Practice, and Procedure in law and equity (including appellate practice)
Local Government Law
Wills and Estate Administration

You think I could just suck it up, huh?

It's his sensitivity that I love the most

I came home from the library yesterday and confessed to Derek that I had contemplated throwing myself into traffic yesterday.

D: Well, that’s stupid.
K: Why?
D: You are still taking that test. Even if you broke your leg, I would carry you into that room because you are taking that test.
K: You and what army?
D: Very funny.
K: Do you know why I didn’t throw myself in front of traffic?
D: Tell me.
K: I knew that if I threw myself into traffic, everyone would know that I did it because I didn’t want to take the bar exam. No one would think, “oh, poor Kristen got hit by a truck.” Just, “I can’t believe she got hit by a truck just to get out of taking that damn test.”
D: Can you imagine how bad the test would be if you had a broken leg?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Lawyers are viciously superstitious

My husband would disagree with me, because he is not superstitious, but he's an economist in lawyer's clothing.

Ask Bob if he is superstitious. He is sitting in the exact same study booth that he has been sitting at for the last 4 days. Bob is studying for the CA bar. This is his second time, actually second bar (he clarifies) so he is feeling OK. I tell him that it is my second time, SAME bar and that I too am confident.

As long as I have Elvis. This morning I drove frantically, cutting off school buses and old ladies. What would happen if I got to the library and someone was sitting with Elvis? I only have $3. Would you get up and move if a strange woman with a glazed look gave you her forlorn tale of missed opportunities and superstitions? For $3? I got lucky today and was not faced with this dilemma. But there is always tomorrow.

Nobody hassles Jeter for tugging on his shirt one last time before stepping into the batter's box. I feel like I should pull a Sosa and kiss the tips of my index and middle fingers twice and then plant them on the tacky gold ode to Elvis at the top of my study booth. Would it help?

Does Elvis care? If someone else sits in my chair? After 9 weeks of studying, am I really going to forget everything if I can't spend the day with Elvis?

You betcha.

Oh, there'll be a birthday, damn it.

Thanks to my sister for realizing that yesterday was E's birthday and for pulling a party out of her ass, a-la-(insert last name here) style.

My brother-in-law came back from picking up Derek and takeout and said, "did you just make all those decorations while I was gone?"

Oh ye of little faith.

I, of course, was studying because that's all I do these days. If you want to see pictures of the impromptu party, they are over here. You can tell the kid hasn't had much sugar.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

To the "Mouth-Breather" on the other side of the Elvis desk

In my ears I have placed ear plugs that will successfully reduce the sound of a shotgun blast to a mere "pop."

If I can still hear your MOUTH-BREATHING through these magnificant earplugs, you need to seek some form of medical treatment for that condition before I am forced to create a situation that will REQUIRE medical attention on your side of the partition.

You are killing me.

Happy V-D

I'm torn in my decision of which I liked best. My present or my Valentine sentiment from my husband.

Here's hoping you and I remain in long-run equilibrium.

For you I could find no substitute,For you are my perfect complement.

For you, my love knows no budget constraints.

Sweetheart, you're the only one on my indifference curve.

May this love be more than just an intertemporal choice.

Whichever way the wind shall blow,You will always be in my contingent consumption plan.

Today I throw diversification to the wind,And make you my single asset portfolio.

Price sensitivity be damned!Inelastically, this heart does demand.

If an optimized utility function borne of love is wrong,I don't want to be right.

Darling, as you consider the cost curves of our shared future,Does the marginal lie below the average?

If I called your body a dependent variable,Would you regress it on me?

You had me at "interpersonal utility comparison."

As my love for you grows stronger,A public good can you be no longer.

Sweetheart, on the distribution of possible love interests,You are a two-sigma event!

Roses are red,Estimators are BLUE,I longed for the Best,Until I found you.

Dork. Yes.
Dork who thought about putting a stripper pole in the kitchen. Oh, yeah.
Hot dork. Definitely.

Happy VD to you to, Baby.

Monday, February 13, 2006

And now, to add insult to injury....

I have done 2,424 multiple guess questions in preparation for the multi-state portion of my exam.

Wow, Kristen! That's great.

I've referred to them as "multiple guess" for a reason.

So there I am doing Criminal Law questions. I've read hundreds and hundreds of questions about Brown doing this and Adams doing that. And there it was.

"(Insert last name here) was planning a bank robbery." The question went on to refer to a felony murder that my relative apparently committed and was subsequently convicted for that murder. Idiot.

To the Browns and Adams out there, I'm sorry. Not only have you spent a lifetime of getting called on first at the beginning of the school year and having to sit in the front, left corner, you are the easy out when someone has to make up a name. But you know what? It's common. That's all there is to it.

I'm not a Brown or an Adams. I'm a (insert last name here). I've been a (insert last name here) for over 30 years and I didn't even give it up for love. I like being a (insert last name here) because it makes me the individual I am. Don't get me wrong. My last name isn't what I would describe as uncommon. There is a (insert last name here) city in one of those middle states, but I think everyone has a last-name city in those middle states. They seemed to have missed the creativity boat.

But I have never met another person with my last name that was not related to me. This is impressive considering I have worked two jobs that required interaction with at least 1,000 names a day (and upwards of 3,000 names) for over 5 years. But back to the injustice.

How do you go from hundreds of Browns to (insert last name here). That's a mighty big stretch.

To the National Board of Bar Examiners. Screw you. It's not bad enough that you stood between me and bliss the last time around, you are now making it personal. If my peeps were hitting banks, we wouldn't be killing anyone nor would we be getting caught. Don't offend me.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The cat's out of the bag

We live in Minnesota. Just kidding. It just feels like Minnesota. Except with 5 less feet of snow.