Friday, July 15, 2005

I usually don't get sucked into this kind of stuff but this was fun

So I was over at Katya's blog and she asked for interview volunteers. Here are Katya's questions for me.

1. If you were a cookie, what type would you be? Chocolate Chunk, my signature cookie.
2. What era/period would you liked to have lived in and why? Late 1800's in the Wild, Wild West. I think I would have liked to have been a bank robber.
3. Which celebrity would you most like to have over for dinner? How embarrassing. Paris Hilton was the first person that came to my mind (I must be reading too much Pink). I imagine she would be fodder for my sarcasm and would never realize that I was mocking the hell out of her. Then I realized that it would be RIDICULOUS to invite Paris over because it's not like she would even eat my Grilled Pork Tenderloin with the White Wine Dijon sauce or my Steak au Poivre anyway. At least not without taking a trip to the loo to vomit it all back up. Then, as if I couldn't be embarrassed enough, I thought of Johnny Depp. Only because I think he is so hot and I just saw him on Leno the other night. It doesn't appear that he is that chatty and it's rude to drool in front of your husband, so he would be a bad bet. So that leaves Goldie Hawn.
4. What three words best describe you? amiable, capable, entertaining
5. If you could have three wishes what would they be? Peace, Health and Happiness for baby E.

Now the rules if you too want to be sucked into the "if you don't participate, you will never be rich" game
1. Leave me a comment saying 'interview me please'
2. I will respond by asking you five questions (not the same questions you see here)
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Good luck.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Letter to the 'rents

Mom and Dad,

On this eve before my five month birthday, I thought it would be beneficial for all family members if we would have a state-of-the-parenting discussion. I will address Dad first because I realize that as a man, he will only read the first two paragraphs of this anyway and then ask Mom for a summary of the rest when he grows instantly bored.


Television Viewing Habits
You should probably know that if you continue to give Mom that cause-and-effect speech regarding her late night chocolate and my late night “If You Think I Am Going To Sleep Before Midnight” situation, she is probably going to give you the same cause-and-effect speech about my constant wails during any and all of your attempts to watch Jay Leno. Dad, please. Leno??? He is SO 1990 and he isn’t funny. You couldn’t watch Conan?

Bedtime Routine
Thanks for singing, Dad, but you might want to keep that voice of yours below a dull roar. I know you are a big man but if you actually want me to go to sleep, you probably shouldn’t come into my room yelling “What’s wrong, Buddy” when I am crying. And as for the walking thing, it looks like you and me will be learning around the same time. Is my room so difficult to navigate that you have to knock everything over after you finally get me settled down? And you might want to work on NOT falling into the crib after you put me in. But only if you want me to actually stay asleep.


Poop and Vomit
Mom, Marmie and I have discussed this “poop and vomit” obsession of yours and she thinks you should just get over it. Apparently you did the same thing to her and is SHE STILL MOANING ABOUT IT? When you hand me the phone to talk to her, we are not just exchanging pleasantries as you thought. I am describing in great cooing detail all of the injustices I am suffering at your hands and she is telling me to be patient with you because you are doing the best you can. Further, she is also telling me not to listen to your foul language.

Child Collaboration (aka Or Why You Shouldn’t Make Fun of Your Friend’s Parenting)
You probably shouldn’t have been laughing yesterday when Faith was screeching at the top of her lungs telling Marelle to “Just Go Away.” Faith and I are VERY good friends and she is a VERY smart girl. She has already been informing of the “Finish Your Plate” injustices suffered by her in Long Island at the hands of her tyrannical mother and she has made a list of all the “Buttons” to push. So back off, sister. Your time is coming.

To both parents:

Response Time For Any and All Yelling
a. The “I-Can’t-Believe-You-Put-Me-In-This-Crib-Now-What-Am-I-Supposed-To-Do” cry
--response time is non-existent. Hello, People. There is a baby in this house.
b. The “My-Hand-Is-Caught-In-This-Damn-Toy-Again-Will-You-Ever-Learn-To-Not-Leave- Me-Alone-With-It” cry
--response time is a little slow. This is pain I am feeling and just because you are trying to
finish making your toast first (or your blog, if we are being honest) doesn’t mean the arm
isn't getting a nice red mark around the bicep.
c. The “If-You-People-Think-I-Will-Ever-Stop-Crying-Then-You-Are-Sorely-Mistaken” cry
--response time is Much Improved. I knew you two weren’t as stupid as you

Sleeping Arrangements
If you are wondering why I go instantly silent when you place me on YOUR bed, it might be because I prefer the 600 thread count sheets and that pillowtop mattress of yours. Don't think I didn't notice that you bought me that cheap-ass crib mattress and those cardboard sheets. I know you have that whole SIDS thing to worry about, but come on. There has to be some middle ground. Enough with the "all night diner" comments as well. That scratching at your back in the middle of the night is not to make your mosquito bites feel better. I am trying to get your attention. Wasn't it your decision to nurse on demand? We like to call this demanding, in case you are wondering. And please stop whining about how much I move around when I am in bed with the two of you. It's not my fault that the bowling ball mattress guaranteeing a good night's sleep doesn't include any and all movements.

In conclusion, I have a few words for Zinni. Stop drinking the Hatorade, bud, cause I ain’t going anywhere. Mom has promised you repeatedly that she will not allow me to torment you and word on the street is that there are Cherrios just around the corner for you. Hang in there. If you are really good, I’ll let you have your chew toys back.

Thank you for your time. Now could someone PLEASE change this damn diaper.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Ever mow the lawn

in a raging lightning storm?

It is very fun until your hair starts to stand on end and the dog starts barking manically. Derek would have taken my picture but I think he was too scared.

So I thought that would last longer

Thanks to all of you who gave me the congrats on figuring out how to have 20 seconds to myself in this long day. Blue2Go called it when she said that he would change. I just didn't think I would be changing one problem for another in under 12 hours.

Last night he screamed so loud that you would have thought his father was holding him by the ears. He wouldn't go to bed. Derek gave up and brought him back to bed at 11:20. Where he proceeded to kick me for the next 3 hours (when he wasn't trying to snack at the all night diner). At 2:41 I finally threw him at Derek. He instantly fell asleep.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Startling realization

If the baby wakes up in the morning and I ignore him, he plays quietly in bed for 30 minutes and then falls back asleep.

I feel as if I have discovered the Holy Grail.

Blog on, sista.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Pacific Standard Time is the best

In fact, I have decided it is for me. Getting up at 10 a.m. is everything I imagined it would be.

So today when I asked Derek how the garden was looking because I was too tired and too lazy to go outside to see how it withstood the torrid heat and torrential rains while we were lollygagging on the West Coast, he said that I might need to cut back the tomatoes because they were a little out of control.

And the "Understater of the Year" award goes to D.

I went outside and there were tomato plants EVERYWHERE. As in, where the dill used to be, where the basil used to be, where the cilantro used to be. This may work out if I just want tomatoes and am willing to sacrifice the rest of the garden.

Anyone have a machete I can borrow?