Saturday, December 03, 2005

So very rarely in the wrong, sometimes it's good to see how the other half lives

Time it would take to rake all the leaves at Chateau Cookie: 2 days

Price of gas to drive to Sears: $2.27

Price of leaf blower: $39.99 plus tax

Look on your husband's face when he realizes that a pea shooter would be more effective: one and a half hours of glares at the back of your head.

Tone of your husband's voice when you ask if he is mad because you wouldn't let him get the real leaf blower that can also julienne carrots, after telling him that we weren't in the landscaping business so why the hell would we need a leaf blower that could blow our leaves to South Carolina: angry.

Look on your husband's face when he realizes that once again you failed to read the instruction manual and when you went to turn the thing off after one and a half hours (at 80% completion) just to get something in the house, the power button wasn't actually just a power button but also a Low/High button and you have had it on low for the entire one and a half hours: PRICELESS.

Friday, December 02, 2005

You know you are a bitch when...

the baby starts yelling "dan, dan, dan" repeatedly to the dog. And when I say repeatedly, I mean with the commitment of an 8-year old waiting in line to see Santa. His attention cannot be diverted even for a second.

I think perhaps I am overusing the word "down" in my communication with the dog?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

All is well.

Baby boy did just fine in his surgery and the doctor's say he did great. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Sending out prayers and well wishes

Tomorrow morning (Thursday), one of the Boo's friends is having brain surgery. He is only 8 months old. The prognosis is good, but, as with all surgery, there are risks. Please keep him in your thoughts or prayers--whatever is your thing.

We love you, buddy.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

When your best friend's mother's lazy-ass-two-timing-no-good-rat-bastard-cheating-manipulating-rotten-verbally-abusive-did-I-forget-to-tell-you-for-the-first-YEAR-that-we-were-dating-that-I-have-a-wife-oops-maybe-I-should-have-brought-that-up-in-one-of-our-conversations boyfriend promises that he really is going to leave his wife but he wants to wait until January first, I would not recommend saying either of the following:

1. Has your mother developed a crank habit of which we have been unaware, and

2. What does he want? To use her one more year to get a break on the taxes?

Even the longsuffering may falter in a moment such as this.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The detox is going to be painful

It has been a long day here at Chateau Cookie. The Boo sprouted yet another tooth AND also realized that his reign of supremacy may be over. Both things have been a difficult transition for him and for his mother.

For four days last week, a variety of relatives practically went to blows with one another to capture the attention and smiles of the Boo. I watched in stunned silence as the Boo held court, granting a small laugh here or a big smile there. Much to the amusement of his grandparents, great aunt and uncle and Derek's cousins, he entertained all and heckled those that dared turn a back to him, if only for a brief second.

I spent four days in a panic, realizing that I was becoming one of those parents that is so happy to have someone else look after her child that she may even be deemed disinterested in him. He fell over--"ah, he's fine." He cried in hunger and lunged at someone's plate--"yeah, you can give him crab. What the hell."

Of course now he thinks he is entitled to be held 24/7. What do I look like? Am I here for your amusement? The kid is driving me crazy (cue Britney). I'm sorry to say, Mister, but you are NOT the center of the universe. At least not anymore.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Things not to say/do on vacation with your in-laws

1. When your father-in-law is moaning about the price of gas at $2.29 a gallon and his little yellow light on the dashboard is on, don't say "isn't $2.29 cheaper than a tow truck?"

2. In the middle of dinner when your father-in-law continues to fill up your husband's glass with red wine, don't say "you probably should stop doing that because you might need a part of his liver some day."

3. Do not follow your in-laws into their hotel room 2 minutes behind them without knocking on the door, even if they know you are coming. You may find your father-in-law climbing into his bed. If you do, do not (and I cannot stress this enough) shriek loudly and go running from the room. We're all adults, for heaven's sake.

4. Do not cover your ears and start humming when the discussion goes south and suddenly you are in mixed company with your mother-in-law discussing the conceiving of your husband. There is no song loud enough to drown out the phrase, "and I was so horny I borrowed money and took a train across country to meet Derek's father." I know they did it at least once, and I am VERY glad for them, but I really don't need to hear about it.

What one will pay for a wireless connection--just to get back to the real world

$9.95 in SeaTac airport, to be precise.

Remember how I went on and on, ad nauseum, about the Thanksgiving stuffing and some of you may have insinuated that I was a little obsessive about making my stuffing before I left.

There was NO stuffing at Thanksgiving dinner.


Who doesn't have stuffing on Thanksgiving?

Too many stories to tell, but not enough time. My allotted 5 minutes of time on the 'puter is almost up.

Line of the vacation, referencing Bobble Head Ted Kennedy--

"If he was a good Kennedy, they would have shot him already."