Thursday, September 22, 2005

I knew I would find some of me in him

The kid may look like a carbon copy of Derek, but he is all me.

We went to Gymboree and the movie today. One of those theaters that provides the free Gymboree every other week to all those moms out there that are cheap asses and don't want to pay $17.80 a session to have someone blow bubbles over the top of the kid's head. For $17.80, I want you to nurse my kid for me AND teach him how to do his own laundry. I can do bubbles at my own damn house. But free is good.

The kids were playing in the center of the parachute and off squirrels E. Right over to Logan (who is a girl, for those of you who weren't sure--I know this because she was wearing a dress). He put his arms around her and gave her a big wet kiss on the back of her head. All the moms "ooohed" and "aahhed" and Logan just swatted the back of her head like she was trying to rid herself of a pesky fly.

Pulling Rico Suave off of the girl, I gave him a short lecture on showing decorum or at least obtaining consent prior to any and all public displays of affection.

He was then off to kiss Marissa. The child is 7 months old and has now kissed half of the amount of girls his father has ever kissed. Now his mother, on the other hand, well... let's just say E is well on his way.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Notes to self (continued):

4. When Father Paul walks by you and the sleeping baby at Viewing #2 and says, “Ah, the sleep of the innocent,” go with the second comment that comes to mind (“Finally….”) and just let your first reaction (“I think he is sleeping off all his evil deeds for the day”) go. Father Paul is nice but I am guessing his sense of humor wouldn’t go as far as yours would.

5. Don’t worry about the red tank top/potential haunting incident from Sunday. Thanks to the Olsen twins in matching midriff tops on Sunday and twin #1’s hot pink peek-a-boo bra under the blank mini tank top from Monday, Grandma has her haunting work cut out for her. Special thanks to the girls for giving us a veritable runway show of what’s new a Wet Seal this fall. I wasn’t up on the latest funeral ‘ho wear…

7. When discussing the funeral arrangements for the next morning and your best friend says, “the service isn’t at my church,” don’t say, “don’t you actually have to GO to a church to call it YOUR church?” At least not in a public setting. This will not be considered funny by anyone other than yourself. Further, don’t add, “and you are probably so going to hell for not going” either. Just don’t.

8. When your best friend’s “third-time-heartbreak-had-better-be-the-charm” ex-boyfriend shows up and you have been required to be pleasant to him as part of your contribution to this depressing affair, allowing him to watch the baby for two hours will soften your heart towards his pathetic situation. He will not be forgiven, but he will no longer be threatened with handguns in dark parking lots. You got a break, for heaven’s sake. Who cares if he put the baby’s ass on top of the shooting button of Centipede so he wouldn’t have to get carpel tunnel from pushing it?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Three wakes and a funeral

Note to self:

1. Wearing a red tank top under your black suit at Viewing Session #1 will get you strange looks. Especially when the woman you are honoring has promised in advance that she will come back to haunt everyone who dresses inappropriately at her final hoorah. OK, so you may have done it on purpose, hoping to get one last rise out of her. At least you aren't like the cousin who is threatening to wear a brown suit to Viewings 2 and 3. She is SO gonna get it. Bad weather and bad hair days for year for that sin.

2. Put socks and shoes on your infant before going to a funeral home. Otherwise he will look like a little Amish baby sans straw hat. Actually it is probably important for your child to own socks and shoes. Or even just socks. Or be prepared for a barage of wrath from Aunt Margie about people that don't dress their kids properly. As she is standing beside Grandma's casket. With 20 other people. And everyone turns around looking at you like you are obviously NOT FROM JERSEY and NOT ITALIAN.

3. Just buy the damn shoes, even if they are from Payless, they are $12.99, they don't fit him and he screams so loudly when you put them on him that the nice man who works at Payless is torn between coming to see what is going on or calling 911 to report your abusive ass. Overlook the fact that the baby got a crazed look in his eyes and started pulling the shoes off with his teeth. He'll be fine.

It's going to be quite a day.