Thursday, April 13, 2006

Great Expectations

Today my elderly neighbor mentioned to me that she was planning on coming over to our house on Sunday to watch E hunt for Easter eggs.

She is so sweet.

Except there was no plan for an Easter egg hunt. Just like I spent $15 on his Christmas present (Matchbox cars) and only bought him a chocolate cake for his birthday, I am the minimalist mother. He is 1, for heaven's sake. But now I am starting to realize that the pressure is going to rise and that other's expectations may be unnecessarily dashed by my lack of interest in the "fun" aspect of holidays. Let's be honest. Nana could go into cardiac arrest if she finds out that the boy was denied his God-given American right to excessive candy on Easter Sunday. If I don't produce a video of the kid searching through the waist-high grass in the back yard, oooohing at the colored eggs, she might think I'm a bad mother. And she was such a good mother, especially on these points, that I really don't want to disappoint her.

So I guess I'll be going out tomorrow morning to Michael's to buy eggs. And I guess the baby is going to get his favorite--chocolate. Who said you outgrow peer pressure?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The news is big. Very big.

No, I am not pregnant. Stop asking me. You know who you are. STOP asking me. Asking me 4 times a day is not going to make me pregnant. You know that I am a contrarian and that every time you ask me, I am on the other end of the phone, taking handfuls of birth control pills. And chasing them with red ruby martinis.

Back to the news.

I got my letter yesterday from Local Community College. "Congratulations, you have been accepted!" Complete with an exclamation point. I love exclamation points. I know they are overused (often by myself) but sometimes a little shouting is in order.

D: Did you think you weren't going to get into community college?
K: Ok, so I wasn't as nervous as, say, when I applied for law school, but you never know. Maybe they were going to deny me for attending too many colleges in my lifetime. Over colleging.
D: Well congratulations, babe.

It then took me 55 minutes to register for a web design class. Fifty-five blanking minutes. I don't want to start a derogatory tirade about community colleges since I am a graduate, but WTH??? My husband thought that this was by far the funniest thing he had ever seen. His wife unable to register for community college. I guess you can be snotty when you went to a pseudo Ivy League university?

Turns out I needed to know that the code for the summer 2006 term is 2063. 2063. Who would have thought that I couldn't figure that one out? I mean, it's so user-friendly and logical.

Fifty-five minutes. If there was bus service to school, I'm sure mine would be short.

Maybe I am pregnant.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Life lessons CAN be learned at a bar

1. You are only as old as you feel.

Derek's cousin Mike beat us to the bar. He called Derek on his cell phone.

M: Buddy, I showed up at the bar and said I was here for the party and they ushered me to a back room with a huge "50" balloon. Did you turn 50?

This coming from the man that spent at least the first 20 SUMMERS of his life with D. They are 11 months apart. You think he would have noticed that Derek was 10 years old than him when they were, say 5 years old. I asked him if he took his driver's license out to check his birthday.


2. What constitutes morality anyway?

Dave said that when he was asked by his background investigator if he considered himself a moral person, he replied that he was morally opposed to describing himself as moral.

3. Sometimes a bar is just too loud to facilitate good communication.

Matt told us that he went to a "Meet the Puppy" party hosted by his boss because his boss was hosting. Two weeks later he got a phone call suggesting that he and his kids go to the ER because the boss had to put down his puppy for being rabid.

Now if that isn't rich enough, the whole time Matt was calling it the "Meet the Puppy" party, I thought he was saying a "Beat the Puppy" party. I kept saying "a Beat the Puppy Party?" Even I couldn't understand why someone would have a "Beat the Puppy" party, and I have a Lab.

4. Can you ever really "know" a person?

A person who shall remain nameless since he still thinks he has a shot at becoming a judge one day and they frown on these kinds of experiences told a story about how he used black powder to make pipe bombs when he was in elementary school. Several times.

5. Who says "you can't always get what you want?"

My mother called during the party to tell my sister that my niece had called my mother to ask my mother to call her mother for her. Apparently my niece wanted to buy some I-Tunes online and she needed a credit card number to do it. She called my mother because she knew that if she called my sister, my sister would not pick up the phone. When my sister called my niece back, my niece told my sister that she didn't want to listen to my sister's music anymore and wanted to order her own music. She just needed a credit card. "Your choices are MasterCard, Visa or American Express, Mom."

She is 7.

6. If you don't use a public restroom, you can avoid all sorts of problems.

For the first time in years, it was only AFTER I was done peeing that I realized there was no toilet paper. In a bar bathroom. Shocking.

7. See Number 4.

When we commenced introductions, Matt's friend Deb began saying, "Lenny, I know you, I know you." Rather excitally.

Apparently Deb is neighbors with Lenny's PIANO TEACHER. And apparently Lenny is a very good piano player. Lenny. Plays. Piano. Almost as good as Liberace.

8. It's the quiet ones that will hit you with the zingers.

Steph's contribution to the Lenny/piano story: "And Lenny calls her 'Grammy.'"

Could you ask for more material?