Sunday, April 23, 2006

All good things must come to an end

Just kidding.

I'm moving on. To bigger and better things. If you have wondered where I have been for the last week, I decided a week ago to start a business. You can find it a Too bad none of you readers are pregnant. But if you know any pregnant people, send them my way. As for the blog, I'm at Because Mommy really needs a cocktail...

Here's one of my shirts. I hear Katie is ready to lose all of her fake pregnancy weight now.

If you could HASU (hook a sista' up), please link Baby Brewing on your blog pages. Every link helps put me on the Google map. As soon as I rob a bank, I'll start making blogging t-shirts for all those of you who are smart enough to NOT be pregnant. Lots of love and hope to see you over a Leave lots of comments so people get the wrong impression--that I am actually readable.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Great Expectations

Today my elderly neighbor mentioned to me that she was planning on coming over to our house on Sunday to watch E hunt for Easter eggs.

She is so sweet.

Except there was no plan for an Easter egg hunt. Just like I spent $15 on his Christmas present (Matchbox cars) and only bought him a chocolate cake for his birthday, I am the minimalist mother. He is 1, for heaven's sake. But now I am starting to realize that the pressure is going to rise and that other's expectations may be unnecessarily dashed by my lack of interest in the "fun" aspect of holidays. Let's be honest. Nana could go into cardiac arrest if she finds out that the boy was denied his God-given American right to excessive candy on Easter Sunday. If I don't produce a video of the kid searching through the waist-high grass in the back yard, oooohing at the colored eggs, she might think I'm a bad mother. And she was such a good mother, especially on these points, that I really don't want to disappoint her.

So I guess I'll be going out tomorrow morning to Michael's to buy eggs. And I guess the baby is going to get his favorite--chocolate. Who said you outgrow peer pressure?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The news is big. Very big.

No, I am not pregnant. Stop asking me. You know who you are. STOP asking me. Asking me 4 times a day is not going to make me pregnant. You know that I am a contrarian and that every time you ask me, I am on the other end of the phone, taking handfuls of birth control pills. And chasing them with red ruby martinis.

Back to the news.

I got my letter yesterday from Local Community College. "Congratulations, you have been accepted!" Complete with an exclamation point. I love exclamation points. I know they are overused (often by myself) but sometimes a little shouting is in order.

D: Did you think you weren't going to get into community college?
K: Ok, so I wasn't as nervous as, say, when I applied for law school, but you never know. Maybe they were going to deny me for attending too many colleges in my lifetime. Over colleging.
D: Well congratulations, babe.

It then took me 55 minutes to register for a web design class. Fifty-five blanking minutes. I don't want to start a derogatory tirade about community colleges since I am a graduate, but WTH??? My husband thought that this was by far the funniest thing he had ever seen. His wife unable to register for community college. I guess you can be snotty when you went to a pseudo Ivy League university?

Turns out I needed to know that the code for the summer 2006 term is 2063. 2063. Who would have thought that I couldn't figure that one out? I mean, it's so user-friendly and logical.

Fifty-five minutes. If there was bus service to school, I'm sure mine would be short.

Maybe I am pregnant.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Life lessons CAN be learned at a bar

1. You are only as old as you feel.

Derek's cousin Mike beat us to the bar. He called Derek on his cell phone.

M: Buddy, I showed up at the bar and said I was here for the party and they ushered me to a back room with a huge "50" balloon. Did you turn 50?

This coming from the man that spent at least the first 20 SUMMERS of his life with D. They are 11 months apart. You think he would have noticed that Derek was 10 years old than him when they were, say 5 years old. I asked him if he took his driver's license out to check his birthday.


2. What constitutes morality anyway?

Dave said that when he was asked by his background investigator if he considered himself a moral person, he replied that he was morally opposed to describing himself as moral.

3. Sometimes a bar is just too loud to facilitate good communication.

Matt told us that he went to a "Meet the Puppy" party hosted by his boss because his boss was hosting. Two weeks later he got a phone call suggesting that he and his kids go to the ER because the boss had to put down his puppy for being rabid.

Now if that isn't rich enough, the whole time Matt was calling it the "Meet the Puppy" party, I thought he was saying a "Beat the Puppy" party. I kept saying "a Beat the Puppy Party?" Even I couldn't understand why someone would have a "Beat the Puppy" party, and I have a Lab.

4. Can you ever really "know" a person?

A person who shall remain nameless since he still thinks he has a shot at becoming a judge one day and they frown on these kinds of experiences told a story about how he used black powder to make pipe bombs when he was in elementary school. Several times.

5. Who says "you can't always get what you want?"

My mother called during the party to tell my sister that my niece had called my mother to ask my mother to call her mother for her. Apparently my niece wanted to buy some I-Tunes online and she needed a credit card number to do it. She called my mother because she knew that if she called my sister, my sister would not pick up the phone. When my sister called my niece back, my niece told my sister that she didn't want to listen to my sister's music anymore and wanted to order her own music. She just needed a credit card. "Your choices are MasterCard, Visa or American Express, Mom."

She is 7.

6. If you don't use a public restroom, you can avoid all sorts of problems.

For the first time in years, it was only AFTER I was done peeing that I realized there was no toilet paper. In a bar bathroom. Shocking.

7. See Number 4.

When we commenced introductions, Matt's friend Deb began saying, "Lenny, I know you, I know you." Rather excitally.

Apparently Deb is neighbors with Lenny's PIANO TEACHER. And apparently Lenny is a very good piano player. Lenny. Plays. Piano. Almost as good as Liberace.

8. It's the quiet ones that will hit you with the zingers.

Steph's contribution to the Lenny/piano story: "And Lenny calls her 'Grammy.'"

Could you ask for more material?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sometimes it's nice to get mail

My blogger friend is very talented. And funny as hell. Check her out. If you click on her vlog, you can check out her legs too. She has her husband to thank for that one, I think.

Death and taxes

This is not a post about death. It is, however, about taxes.

I've been doing my taxes for years. Which is good because it's a felony NOT to do taxes. But this year is my first year of doing taxes with my new business. What business, you say? The one that isn't off the ground yet, but apparently is legal enough that I can write my laptop off to it. I think. If it's not, I swear I thought it was.

It also seems that I have gotten my father's genes when it comes to doing taxes. I remember one year after my father did taxes that we ended up with a negative income. I guess that would be a loss. The man knew how to write off everything. And his record-keeping left a lot to be desired. A shoe box full of receipts. I think his accountant would have jumped off a mountain he hadn't had to drive 7 hours to find a hill tall enough.

So this morning I am doing taxes and saying things to myself like, "I think it was $325 to list the condo that never sold, or was it $375?" It is too sad that I am too damn cheap to share my return with H&R Block, because they could probably save me dollars.

And the possibility of tax penalties. Ah, screw it.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Imagine a world without Direct TV and Tivo--it's called Hell

Yesterday the kid got a hold of the new remote control for the tv. He did something crazy and I thought I might get stuck watching Sesame Street on loop for 72 hours. It took me 20 minutes to figure out how to get the tv to speak English again. Not that I wasn't enjoying the German. It's just that I don't speak German. It was like the time I was in Munich and watched "The Hitcher" on German tv. The true meaning of lost in translation. It just isn't as scary.

We don't actually know how to use the new remote which is why the boy is allowed to wander aimlessly around the house with it. We gave up and are back to using the old one. Occasionally I'll hide the new remote behind a cushion in case I lose out in the remote-control-acquisition and I'm caught watching a really riveting Nova episode on the creation of evolution. Just hit "List--The Girls Next Door--enter." Pisses him off every time.

So tonight the kid starts pushing buttons and the screen goes blank. Blank, I say. But with the nasty static sound.

K: What did he do?
D: I don't know.
E: This.
K: Get it back. I want to watch Law and Order.
E: That.
D: I can't.
E: This.

20 minutes later and we have come to the conclusion that the gloriously loud lightning/thunder storm we had may have blown out our TiVo.

K: You gotta fix it.
D: I can't.
K: What do you mean, you can't?
D: I think one of those strikes blew out the TiVo.
K: What are we going to do? What if we have to just talk to each other? OMG! We have to have TiVo. Is Costco still open?
D: No.
K: What will we talk about? This is a crisis. I can't live without TiVo.
D: I'm going to give the boy his bath. I guess we'll just read in bed.

I feel like I need one of those board games you play at mixer parties to get to know other people. You know the ones that have those cards to generate conversation. If I don't figure out something to talk about, my husband will think this is a perfect opportunity to talk about babies.

"So can you believe the crappy hiring practices at Homeland Security..."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

It's good to be at the top

I'm talking to B today, whining about how I am going to have to get a job, and quick, and she offers me an opportunity to get in on the top of a pyramid scheme.

It seems that this girl she knows, who hates her, called her yesterday to tell her at she was looking for a strong member to be part of a strong team.

K: Amway?
B: No, some beauty products.
K: No kidding. Isn't she the adjective queen. She didn't actually say "strong member" of a "strong team" did she?
B: Yep.
K: So what do you sell?
B: Nothing.
K: What do you mean, you don't sell anything?
B: I just have to find more "strong members" for our "strong team."
K: She is not this stupid. And she hates you. Which may explain why she is offering you an opportunity to commit a FELONY. Does she know this is a pyramid scheme?
B: How can she not? She's not actually selling anything. At least I don't think so. I didn't read any of the stuff she gave me. So how am I supposed to tell her no?
K: How about "I hate the Bureau and being under investigation does not sound fun to me." Or "you know, Madonna, I have issues with embezzling and it would only be a matter of time before I was ripping you off and I wouldn't want to jeopardize our totally fake friendship." And if you like you could add "and I mean 'friendship' as it refers to someone who goes to someone's grandmother's wake and never actually acknowledges her presence and yes it is seven months later but I can hold a grudge and I never really liked you anyway, you self-centered money-grubbing conniving bitch."
B: You know, people in the Midwest are making a LOT of money in this pyramid scheme.
K: You didn't actually refer to it as a pyramid scheme when you were talking to her about it, but if you did, you are so cool.
B: There is even a weekly conference call to discuss it.
K: Wow. Now I know it's legit. I was wondering before, but if there is a conference call it must be for real. You should totally do it.
B: You know, she said that lots of lawyers are involved in this.
K: Yes, they are. I have no doubt that LOTS of lawyers are involved in this. On retainer, I'm sure. So how are the beauty products?
B: I haven't really noticed a difference.
K: I will so give you $10 I don't have if you call her up and tell her that you don't know what is in this lotion but you have had 3 guys propose marriage already today, and that one was at a red light.
B: You think?
K: Totally.

And to think that people are still falling for this. I love it.