Friday, September 16, 2005

What is that banging?

Disclaimer: For those readers that don't have kids, I am so sorry that you have to be subjected daily to the neurotic workings at Chateau Cookie. I remember when I didn't have kids and I hung out with those people that had kids and I thought, "for God's sake, could you please find something else to talk about other than how the sweet potatoes looked running down Princess's face. Get a life or at least start drinking more." I would KILL for a life right now. A job which would provide me with an escape from the black hole in which I find my self spiraling downward... And I promised my mother I would stop referring to E as "the Monster" or "Satan" or "the Evil One." She thinks it could, like, harm his psyche or something. At least I'm not calling him an "f-er" behind his back like SOMEONE I know.

These baby books are crap. "At so-and-so age, your child will start to exhibit the following characteristics: ..."

Where the hell is the part that explains that the sounds you hear emanating from the room are the entire contents of the crib being thrown across the room and hitting the door. Don't get me wrong. The kid is clearly destined for Little League. I'm on it. But he is 7 months old, for heaven's sake. Why did I think that he would be an infant until he was 1? You know, one of those kids that coos and cuddles and plays quietly in the corner. Maybe even keeps his clothing clean and smiles at the camera occasionally. I know I should be happy that he has the attention span to weather several increments of the Senate Confirmation Hearings on a daily basis and that he can heckle with the best of them. I know, where else in America is a baby being forced to watch the hearings? Hey, he was born into this family so he is just going to have to put up with us--lock, stock and Glock barrel.

On the bright side, I spoke to my friend Becca yesterday and she is 37 weeks pregnant. I asked her if she was contemplating killing herself yet and she said yes. As bad as my life is now, I'm am sure glad I am not 37 weeks pregnant. THAT was the worst. I think I would rather have the entire contents of my house thrown down the stairs than feel that way again.

So Becca, good luck. Just think "Ben and Jerry's." The only two men that never talk back and will truly know how to make you happy for the rest of your life...

11 comments:

Katya said...

ben and jerry and that jack daniels guy...lol

and look forward to HNT next week, let me know if you do it and i can link you...

:0)

Gangadhar said...

Have a nice weekend,Kristen!!

vani said...

awww..7 months old..i remember those times...hehe...is he crawling yet? the movable stages is where it gets intresting...lol well, i'm 20 wks now and i would die to be 37 wks and just get it all over with, i have soooo loooong to go. i think i need ben and jerry now- gotta go! :)

momma of 2 said...

Ben & Jerry's are every woman's best friend when they are pregnant!

amy said...

That's so funny ... but then again ... YOU'RE so funny, so that's really nothing new. I wouldn't want to be 37 weeks pregnant either.

Then again, I wouldn't want to be Britney Spears' kid at any point of my life.

(And no, I don't know where that came from...)

J.P. said...

I’m still laughing from the Britney Spears comment. I’m predicting that the kid has his own reality TV show by the time that he’s five. No – make it three.

I wonder what kind of float you could make with Ben & Jerry’s and Jack Daniel’s. Hmmm…

Marel Lecone said...

I would comment but I'm having a little bleeper moment right now.

Other than that, I would like to say . . . I'm changing my phone number! :)

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

LOL..you are a crack up...and thise damn books are useless..i should write one with shit that is usefull..

ok that must be some form of child abuse..having the baby watch the senate conformation hearing..I am gonna check on that:)

Jaime said...

Yeah, learning that the pregnancy books are crap, too. "You must eat 23894739874 servings of veggies and NO SWEETS for the duration of your 40 weeks. And if you already splurged on a sundae before you got pregnant, don't worry about it - just don't do it again".

Yeah, okay.

So is 37 weeks the nervous breakdown point?? I need to know these things before it sneaks up on me! ;)

Random Vixen said...

I never made it to 37 weeks. Whats worse is being in labor from 29 to 36 weeks, and you can't drink liquor. You can make a good drink from jack and ben and jerry.

Don't worry about the mom posts it reminds me what i already faced and why there is no way in hell I'm letting some guy get me knocked up again.

inandoutspoken's MOMMY BRAIN LEFTOVERS! said...

Those child books are written by people who have nannies.

And hey - at least you don't call your kid shithead, like someone I resemble - er, someone I know (looking around innocently).

Just be glad you are HEARING sounds from the room. It is when you DON'T hear anything that you walk in and find the dear child(ren) have ripped the f-ing border off of the walls all the way around the room - which may have entailed some levitation or other worldly assistance.