Friday, August 26, 2005

Statistics

What are the odds?

You have been struck with the "Suzy F. Homemaker" bug (or struck by lightning, you aren't sure which), when you decide to make your husband waffles for breakfast. Homemade. You are holding the baby when he suddenly projectile vomits and hits the entire northeast corner of the kitchen. For those unaware of the landscape in said kitchen, that would be the oven, microwave and half of the pots and pans.

You run to the door, dropping a waffle on the way, to let the dog in. You drop the baby into the Jumperoo, or as we are affectionately referring to it these days, the "Neglect-aroo." He begins his loud protestations but to no avail. You go back into the kitchen to find the dog has eaten the waffle and has moved on to the bathroom, where HE is now projectile vomiting the contents of HIS stomach. The waffle maker begins to "beep, BEEP, BEEEEPPPP" but you are now forced to pick up vomit that smells mysteriously like poop, while having to listen to the baby's wails from the next room. You now smell the waffle and wonder when the smoke alarm is going to smell it as well. Oh, that's right. You disconnected the smoke alarm on this floor because it rings more than it is silent.

You yell apologies to the baby, who is now sounding like he might bring this up at Thanksgiving 25 years from now, but apologies are just not going to cut it. You go back and save the waffle maker from the waffle that looks like it might combust at any moment.

And what do you hear? "Why are you crying, buddy?" From his perch 2 feet away from the baby on the couch, as he peruses the daily results of his Fantasy Baseball pool on the laptop. A pool in which he finds himself 7 out of 8 at any given time. A pool that goes approximately 137 games longer than it should. A pool that will not change between now and 9 o'clock when he gets to his government job and he proceeds to surf the web on all "breaks."

Two vomits (one smelling like poop) and burnt waffles.

What are the odds? One in One.

13 comments:

amy said...

After I stop laughing I'm sure I will have something to say ... might I offer you an Elmo cookie??

Katya said...

awwww, the moral of the story is not to bother with homemade things...lol

:0)

momma of 2 said...

I agree with Katya.... I think you will find that toast & juice is best.... lol... Why is it that the world could fall apart and they wouldn't notice.. as long as the internet connection is working.

Random Vixen said...

and the fact that you didn't smack the husband upside the head with the remaining waffle is the shocker, or maybe there were no waffles beacuse i sure as hell would have done it!

MB said...

A coupon for a McDonald's breakfast sandwhich for Hubby and a bucket of sweet smelling disinfectant, (is that an oxymoron?) can start the day just fine!
*****hugs*****

nancy said...

and to think you had the best of intentions...why do we bother?! I've been there...hugs to you.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I think you better go back to bed and have re-do...

not looking good for the rest of the day now is it??..LOL

I hope baby is feeling better..poor guy

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm sorry...I know it probably wasn't THE LEAST bit funny at the time...but now? :)

Yeah...it's amazing how when the poop (or vomit) hits the fan, it REALLY hits the fan!

Marel Lecone said...

Myself, I wasn't surprised that you were going through the hell of homemade waffles--you're good like that. So generous with every part of your being. But, now that husband and baby have been added to the mix, pick up some Eggos. Honey, it will be alright in the end, actually, better. Overall, I think your kid is damn funny--the sweetie that he is!!

Jaime said...

LOL - Umm... so, I've decided in the last 4 minutes that I clearly either need to give up my dog or my baby before the baby comes... hrmmm... CAN.NOT.HANDLE.TWO.PUKESTERS.AT.ONCE.
Sorry, Manny.

I was so afraid you were going to say the dog was (I cringe as I type it) eating E's vomit. Which vomit did the husband choose to clean up?? ;) (It's the least he could do - you WERE making the man waffles...) (he he... sorry, derek)

inandoutspoken's MOMMY BRAIN LEFTOVERS! said...

Just goes to show that nothing good comes from those Suzy Homemaker urges. Trust me. I know.

PBS said...

Yep, that's pretty much why I hate cooking! Brings back bad memories.

vani said...

LOL- that sux! vomit, fantasy football and crying babies- married with children, i can sympathize, all in a days work! lol