Inspired by Robin, here are my shout outs for yesterday. A series of cheers and jeers, if you will.
To my beautiful son who awakened me this morning through the baby monitor at 6:12 am as he talked to the animals on his bumper after 6 hours and 57 minutes of glorious uninterrupted sleep, GOD BLESS YOU and I am truly sorry for the late night threats to sell you to a couple in Dupont Circle looking to adopt a child.
To Will, the maintenance salesman who tried to rob me blind by claiming everything wrong with the car was a safety hazard and I obviously wanted my family to die of carbon monoxide poisoning if I didn’t get the power steering fluid flushed to the tune of $134, I’m on to your game.
To the JA taxi driver at the airport yesterday that veered into the left lane occupied by me in order to turn right at the light, YOU ARE NOT DRIVING A SEMI. I’m pretty damn sure that the turn radius on the Crown Vic can get you where you need to go without endangering the lives of those around you such as myself.
To the makers of toothpaste, it is your fault that since I don’t want my orange juice to taste bad in the morning, I have managed to forget to brush my teeth until 3 pm every day this week.
To the woman in Babies-R-Us shopping for a registry gift, thanks for trying to buy the Jumperoo not on the registry because you thought my baby was so cute and the perfect salesman. His Opa would be proud.
To the couple in Babies-R-Us last night who were kind enough (after asking a litany of questions to determine our child’s stage of development) to warn us about the baby’s back not being strong enough for the Jumperoo we had E trying out in the middle of the aisle, I have four comments.
1. We have an open position for a consultant that can advise us how to stop a baby that cries in your lap if you don’t let him stand the whole time (or a position for a person who can hold a standing baby for 10 hours a day);
2. If you two are such experts on baby development and we are such terrible parents, why are you asking us about Baby Bjorns now when your child is 3 ½ months old? How the hell have you people being getting anything done for the past 3 ½ months if you don’t already have one;
3. My back wasn’t strong enough to move my sister’s 1,000 lb. mattress from the old apartment to the new house yesterday, but I did just fine and will only require 50 hours of PT to fix the damage I did; and finally,
4. I don’t know how we ever got this far without having you (and your unsolicited comments) around.
And last, but not least, to my beloved husband, who had to eat an MRE for dinner because his wife didn’t come home and left no food in the house, who came to meet us at Babies-R-Us at 8:45 pm even after having to eat an MRE, and who kept his response to the above mentioned couple to a condescending glare, I worship you and do not deserve your love and affection. You are the best in the whole world.