Thursday, June 16, 2005

Flying squirrels

Robin wrote a post today about trying to not run over a squirrel. And while I found her benevolence touching, it reminded me of how much I really hate squirrels.

Last year we had a garden full of tomato plants. For those of you that know me, I am obsessed with tomato sauce and all manner of pasta. Derek, not so much. But ever since we started making fresh pasta he has come over to the dark side. Well, we started to have a little problem with half-eaten tomato plants on the vine. There was a big hole in our miniscule raised beds and we were sure that a mole or some other evil rodent was waiting until the tomatoes were ripe and then having at it. Until the day I got the phone call.

I was in the library, sick as a dog, studying for the bar. All the sudden my phone vibrates. The caller ID flashes that it is Derek from home. I'm thinking WTH? I'm studying and I want to be left alone. I jogged out into the stairwell and answered the phone.

DT: You are not going to believe what just happened.
KH: What just happened?
DT: I was getting out of the shower, and you know how I like to look out the window and survey all my land?
KH: (thinking--"All 1/5 of an acre in the dead center of suburbia????????) Yeah?
DT: Guess what I saw?
KH: (thinking--"How the hell does this man think I am ever going to get anything done if we continue to play 20 questions?????") What?
DT: I saw a squirrel sitting on YOUR chair in the back yard, eating a ripe red tomato he was holding in his little hands.
KH: SOB!!!!!!! What did you do?
DT: I got out the BB gun and shot him off the chair.
KH: Shut UP!!!!!!!
DT: I did.
KH: From where?
DT: The upstairs window.
KH: (suddenly suspicious) What were you wearing?
DT: (silence)
KH: Did you kill him?
DT: Nah.
KH: YOU ROCK BABE! I love you! But what if the neighbors saw a gun coming out the second story window? I'm pretty sure you can't shoot at squirrels in broad daylight. Or ever, for that matter.
DT: I thought you were worried about your tomatoes.
KH: (silence and pregnant pause). You're right. Good job.

It was a pretty eventful summer. I was never as good a shot (my old range instructor would be mortified, but I maintain it's harder to shoot a bb gun than a sig). We only shook up a couple of squirrels. Derek said it was worth it to knock them off their feet so they would go home and tell their family members to avoid that Colonial halfway down the block.

I don't think so.

We'll have to see what happens this year.


Anonymous said...

You and Rosie O'Donell..will you just get over the squirrel talk!!

Robin said...

My dog, Olive, takes care of the squirrel situation in our backyard. She even caught a few that were foolish enough not to run when I let her loose out the back door. Now, the raccoon problem is a totally different story. Olive is afraid of them, as they have been known to take up residence on my back porch and hiss at her when she has lunged at them. Talk about having nads. I'd like to take a bb gun to those little MFs...

Marel Lecone said...

"Gun coming out of the second story window" sounds like an assassination attempt of the squirrel. Oh well, whatever it takes, I guess.

Thanks for reminding me how I am going to be warring against the squirrels myself this summer. Especially since I will have enough crop to feed the neighborhood through winter. I exaggerate a bit. Although I have planted pumpkin, squash, peppers, cucumber AND tomatoes. So, we'll see.

Kristen said...

OK, ANONYMOUS, I've narrowed you down to either MOM or B. Either way, equating me with that lunatic is cruel. And if it is you, mom, I came by my hatred of squirrels genetically (perhaps we could replay a couple of Pop's favorite squirrel stories???)

Kristen said...

Robin, I wish my dog could find his ass let alone see a squirrel. Not many people can say that they have a bird hunting dog that has had birds practically sitting on his head and he still couldn't see them.

Marelle, feel free to shelp all that produce down my way.

Marel Lecone said...

Hey, don't knock on Rosie. Her blog is on my favorites list a few down from this blog.::)) haha

Memphis Steve said...

I still have the same old BB rifle that I had as a kid. It is really small for me now, but I can rain down hellfire on various intruders with it almost as accurately as I could when I was little and in practice. I don't have tomato plants or a squirrel problem, but I do have a tomcat problem. They sure do run fast when you pop a BB up their ass from across the yard. No fence is too high to leap in a single bound after that.

Kristen said...

Steve--but do the cats stay away? I'm thinking about upgrading to a 22 this year. Assuming I don't get arrested for discharging a firearm within city limits.