Monday, March 27, 2006

The baby is in the 20th Percentile for weight, and his mother is in the 20th percentile for Mothering

I have issues. I’ll admit it. I’m lazy. I’m the mother that took her shoeless infant to an Italian wake. I’m lucky someone didn’t take me out in the parking lot due to my lack of respect. Ever since this child’s birth 13 months ago, I have neither the time nor energy to deal with the torture that accompanies shoes.

I finally resorted to just putting socks on him. In 45 degree weather. My mother would be mortified if she knew that I deemed this a solution. But even the socks create a situation involving maniacal screaming akin to torture. He has now figured out how to stand on one foot while leaning against something in order to take the socks off. And if, God forbid, you put shoes on him, he takes them off and throws them at you. His aim is not so good, so we are all still OK. But the kid cannot go out without something on his feet. I just can’t tolerate all the comments. I know you are the perfect mother and your child’s clothes never had stains, always matched, and your child wore activity-appropriate shoes. Your child will also probably grow up to be an uptight accountant who will secretly cross-dress on weekends. But leave me alone. I’m doing the best I can.

So I got clever. When I take him out now, I dress him in a onesie and put his snowsuit on that has feet in it. His feet stay warm, he doesn’t get too hot, he’s pissed but I still win. Yippee.

Until the bitch in BJ’s the other night. She said to Derek, “is that pajamas or a snowsuit?”

I missed all this and when he told me about it 5 minutes later, I asked what she was talking about.

D: I think she was being sarcastic. Like either answer would be unacceptable.
K: What does that mean?
D: Well, it’s not snowing.
K: I’m sorry. Will the outfit spontaneously combust if there is not precipitation in the air? It’s 45 effing degrees out. It’s not like it’s Miami in the summer time.

I then may have threatened to go kick her ass, but my husband was wise enough to wait until AFTER her soccer-mom-minivan-driving-fat-ass left the parking lot. She probably would have maced me anyway.

If my child had his way, he would be naked regardless of the weather. I come up with a solution and I still get opinions. So I didn’t want to spend the evening looking for socks down 37 aisles. Maybe I should just duct tape the bastards to his feet. Would that be an acceptable solution? Maybe he could throw a shoe at her instead of me, the woman who has suckled and nurtured him and still manages to get the ass-end of his moods. I hope she ran home to write a book that will help all of us 20th percentile mothers. Cause Lord knows we don’t have a clue.


vani said...

LMAO- oh, that was funny. thanks for the laugh. cross-dressing accountant. i think i'll go take my kids shoes off right now!! :)

Mindless Dribbler said...

I'd have given her a smackdown if I was told before she left. Your husband took away your right to beat the tar out of someone. That's unacceptable.

Some people give their 2 cents even when it's not even worth it....don't worry none. I'm lazy as hell too.

J.P. said...

Now I’m curious as to how many accountants have a cross-dressing fetish.

Having a brother who is an accountant, I’m wondering if I should shop at Victoria’s Secret for his next birthday gift instead of Sports Authority.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for quite sometime. Often it's very funny. At some point, though, I've gotta admit that all the sarcasm leaves me wondering about the tenderness that you DO have towards your husband, your baby, your in-laws.

Yeah, it's a great comedy routine, but don't you ever have anything kind to say?

Just wonderin'

Fantastagirl said...

You crack me up! We finally figured out that if we double knotted the shoes Pan couldn't un-tie them - and then he couldn't take them off.

But what do I know - I'm still trying to figure out how to get my Tink to eat... 3 years old and only weighs 22 pounds...

AL said...

It took me a moment to read, b/c I was laughing so hard at the title! Classic :)

Neither of my children wore shoes for a long time. Sounds like you have a good solution to me.

You are not at 20 percentile mom - you rock!!!!

Marel Lecone said...

I'm right there with you. You've still got a couple months before shoes are required. No lie--Elijah didn't wear them until 15 months. Just didn't see the point. I'm sort of paying for it now, I guess. Since he was taking shoes and socks off at Pathmark (the grocery store) the other day. Damn kid pissed me off as I hauled him back to the car. My fault though since he's never seen inside a grocery store hardly. :) Oh well. You're doing great. The other people are just way too uptight. As for your sarcasm, it's your most entertaining quality. So there! heehee :)

B said...

Wow Anonymous. Did you read the same post that I read? All that sarcasm that you say is directed at her husband, baby and in-laws only seems to be directed at herself. If you honestly question her tenderness toward her family, maybe you shouldn't bother to read the blog.