Monday, January 23, 2006

Lack of information? I think not.

I'm a slacker. I'll admit it. But every once in a while I'll take hero's measures to rise up above mediocrity.

Like childrearing, for instance. I own 37 books on pregnancy, what to expect when you have run out of things to expect, how to make your child a friggin' Einstein. Blah, blah, blah. Did I read every single one of them? Hell, no. I made a good faith effort.

But I am pretty sure that the stuff that continues to surprise me will not be found in any book (other than the one I will be writing when this is all said and done). Last night would be case in point.

I'm sitting on the couch and the boy is playing with his cars on the floor. Happy as a clam. Which is when I should have realized that something was very, very wrong. I got up to get something off the book shelf above him and I thought I caught of wisp of something foul.

"Buddy, did you fill your diaper?"

He kind of looked at me like I had three heads and I sat back down. His father said that he couldn't smell anything. Convenient, wouldn't you say? I figured that I would give the kid a few minutes to work it all out.

But the smell was getting stronger. I went over and picked him up.

There... in the middle of the floor... was a pile of poop. It looked strangely like that gag-gift plastic poop that you would get when you were a kid. The one that you would slip onto someone's chair before they sat down so everyone would laugh when the victim jumped up in surprise.

My 11-month old crapped in the middle of the living room. Right out the side of his diaper and onto Ernie, as a matter of fact. I took a picture of it to put on the post, but I think it would be too offensive for my mother.

I just never realized that having a baby would be so much like having a puppy.


amy said...

Whoa! That sounds like a huge crap! Right out the side of the diaper? I didn't know that could happen!!

vani said...

My 1 1/2 yr old crapped in the bathtub the other was lovely. Then, cuz she wasn't done, proceeded to cop a sqat right on the bathroom floor and I'd say it's potty training time!

missbhavens said...

...but you don't have to send a puppy to college.

Yale simply will not tolerate crap in the middle of the floor.

momma of 2 said...

missbhavens is right - we don't send our puppy to college...and eventually the dog stops making messes in the house the kids' messes keep getting bigger.

Carl said...

The part I find more than a little disturbing is that you took a picture of it. I mean, I know that parents go overboard with pictures of the firstborn, but what's number two (the child, that is, not... well, never mind) going to have to do to top THAT? You just know that any subsequent siblings are going to see that picture in the photo album and go right off to the therapist because there are only four pictures of them for their first twenty years.

Random Vixen said...

C1 has 10 cousins. at least 6 of which I babaysat on the regular. I've have the poop out the diaper before with them and thankfully not with her. Its still weird and the urge to document it as a freak of nature exists.

AL said...

I would have taken a picture, too. That is so gross, yet so funny!

jen lemen said...

LOL!! oh my god, you are giving dooce a serious run for her money on this one. count the last seconds of your 15 minutes, heather armstrong. cookie's about to pass you.

Jaime said...

I will be the first in line when your book is published. ;)

Yikes! I am totally laughing at the thought. Which I'm sure will come back to bite me later.