Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Notes to self (continued):

4. When Father Paul walks by you and the sleeping baby at Viewing #2 and says, “Ah, the sleep of the innocent,” go with the second comment that comes to mind (“Finally….”) and just let your first reaction (“I think he is sleeping off all his evil deeds for the day”) go. Father Paul is nice but I am guessing his sense of humor wouldn’t go as far as yours would.

5. Don’t worry about the red tank top/potential haunting incident from Sunday. Thanks to the Olsen twins in matching midriff tops on Sunday and twin #1’s hot pink peek-a-boo bra under the blank mini tank top from Monday, Grandma has her haunting work cut out for her. Special thanks to the girls for giving us a veritable runway show of what’s new a Wet Seal this fall. I wasn’t up on the latest funeral ‘ho wear…

7. When discussing the funeral arrangements for the next morning and your best friend says, “the service isn’t at my church,” don’t say, “don’t you actually have to GO to a church to call it YOUR church?” At least not in a public setting. This will not be considered funny by anyone other than yourself. Further, don’t add, “and you are probably so going to hell for not going” either. Just don’t.

8. When your best friend’s “third-time-heartbreak-had-better-be-the-charm” ex-boyfriend shows up and you have been required to be pleasant to him as part of your contribution to this depressing affair, allowing him to watch the baby for two hours will soften your heart towards his pathetic situation. He will not be forgiven, but he will no longer be threatened with handguns in dark parking lots. You got a break, for heaven’s sake. Who cares if he put the baby’s ass on top of the shooting button of Centipede so he wouldn’t have to get carpel tunnel from pushing it?

9 comments:

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

well at least she wont be haunting you...and u no better better than to wear ho gear:)

now was this your grandma?..I forget and I can not go back and look..my puter is sooo wayy fucked up:)

RIP!!

ohh..and u know the Olsen twins??..how is Mary Kate and Ashely doing anyway:)

momma of 2 said...

HA HA HA....
oh man - If I didn't know better, I'd say we share cousins... don't you just want to smack the olsen twins and their little ho get up?

And after their appearance - you have no worries she will haunt them. extra points for being nice to the ex-boyfriend, who should most likely remain an ex-boyfriend.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh my God...those were hilarious! ':)

missbhavens said...

Ahhh, yes. Whenever I question my dress-code I can always count on the Olsen twins for making me feel like a major-league fashion plate worthy of any red carpet. Thanks, girlies! Keep that shapeless, crochet, dirty urchin, bug-glasses, floppy hat, socks-with-open-toed-heels look coming!

ps: thanks for the Centipede tip: I bet that was a seriously high-scoring game!

Katya said...

i know it shouldn't be funny but it is...and some girls have no idea of appropriate fashion, c you next tuesday anyone...

:0)

Jaime said...

You are seriously too funny. I hound my sister to visit your site every day. As a mom of two, she NEEDS your humor!! :)

Marel Lecone said...

How do you make so many situations so funny? :) It's a talent, for sure! :)

Cath said...

Do NOT soften to the ex-boyfriend. Yes, he was nice to you (as he should have been), but I still cannot recall a nice story about his behavior whilest being a boyfriend.

Caryn said...

Thanks for the laugh! These were hilarious!