4. When Father Paul walks by you and the sleeping baby at Viewing #2 and says, “Ah, the sleep of the innocent,” go with the second comment that comes to mind (“Finally….”) and just let your first reaction (“I think he is sleeping off all his evil deeds for the day”) go. Father Paul is nice but I am guessing his sense of humor wouldn’t go as far as yours would.
5. Don’t worry about the red tank top/potential haunting incident from Sunday. Thanks to the Olsen twins in matching midriff tops on Sunday and twin #1’s hot pink peek-a-boo bra under the blank mini tank top from Monday, Grandma has her haunting work cut out for her. Special thanks to the girls for giving us a veritable runway show of what’s new a Wet Seal this fall. I wasn’t up on the latest funeral ‘ho wear…
7. When discussing the funeral arrangements for the next morning and your best friend says, “the service isn’t at my church,” don’t say, “don’t you actually have to GO to a church to call it YOUR church?” At least not in a public setting. This will not be considered funny by anyone other than yourself. Further, don’t add, “and you are probably so going to hell for not going” either. Just don’t.
8. When your best friend’s “third-time-heartbreak-had-better-be-the-charm” ex-boyfriend shows up and you have been required to be pleasant to him as part of your contribution to this depressing affair, allowing him to watch the baby for two hours will soften your heart towards his pathetic situation. He will not be forgiven, but he will no longer be threatened with handguns in dark parking lots. You got a break, for heaven’s sake. Who cares if he put the baby’s ass on top of the shooting button of Centipede so he wouldn’t have to get carpel tunnel from pushing it?