Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What happens when a) I am left unattended and b) you don't return my phone calls

At the risk of opening Pandora's box with the whole "Carl" confusion.....

Today I got a visit from the nice 12-year old investigator asking me questions about Carl for his five-year background investigation update for his very important government job. Carl hasn't returned my last two phone calls so I guess he wasn't too worried about what I might say.

We have a contest every year at Cookie's Annual New Year's Eve party about who said the most outrageous thing to a background investigator (this is when you realize that you know too many people who work for the government--when you are able to have these kinds of competitions). I won last year when the investigator insinuated that I was a lesbian for having a female roommate and I may have gone on a little too long that we were "very, very close." Special thanks to Cathy for encouraging that along when the investigator got to her. You would have thought that the husband and soon-to-be baby would have thrown off her train of thought, but she was tenacious.

Not to be outdone this year (Matt telling the Derek's investigator that he had never seen Derek drunk), I have had a whole 24 hours to prepare for this interview.

After the standard list of questions, I got this one--which I didn't see coming but which laid the groundwork for this year's coup de grace.

I: Do you know if Carl has sponsored anyone to come to the United States? (referring to foreign family members, a mail-order bride or nanny, perhaps--not that he has children or anything)
K: I don't know. You tell me.
I: I'm sorry? (looking very confused)
K: Does he have a wife over there?
I: Over where? (getting the panicked look of an investigator who has now gotten an answer that she wasn't expecting and is at a loss for how to continue)
K: Over at his house. Does he have a wife over there?
I: Huh?
K: Well, you know, Carl is kind of closed-mouth about his personal life. I wouldn't be surprised if he is hiding a spouse over there in his apartment.

Insert sound of VERY LOUD CRICKETS CHIRPING.

K: Ha-ha-ha. Just kidding.
I: Ha. Ha. Ha.
K: No really, I'm just kidding.

Oops.

18 comments:

amy said...

A spouse or two ...

That's really funny. It's funny that you have made a game out the "investigator routine." Lord knows you'll never run out of things to trip them up on! The question I would have is, do federal investigators play a similar game called "The strangest thing a subject has ever said during the course of my background check?"

Kristen said...

rumor has it that they do.

amy said...

Soooooooo not surprised.

They should make a reality TV game show on Channel 4 or something (y'know, like that high school quiz show they run every Saturday morning) and let the two groups go at it.

J.P. said...

Is it a requirement for government workers to be devoid of a sense of humor?

PBS said...

Wow, that's a good one!

momma of 2 said...

LOL - you know most gov't workers do not have a sense of humor....

Ex:

What is red and sleeps three?

a Middleofnowhere City truck!

Marel Lecone said...

As always, you are too funny. I remember one time, a Department of Defense guy left me a message for me to call him back. I got the message at work--I was like, oh crap--what could I possibly have done?!?! A cute military former neighbor of mine had left my name as a reference. I was on my best behavior, of course, giving the reference up to DOD guy. I think I even brought up the fact how he and I wanted to go out but he wouldn't because I was seeing someone. What an upstanding, good guy! . . . I was so bad back then. heehee :)

Random Vixen said...

You mean you didn't say you had never been in his basement? You could have gone anywhere with that one!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh that was goooooood! ;)

You, on the other hand, are bad....very bad! ;)

vani said...

LMAO- very wicked! I love it. :)

Cathy said...

Too bad Carl doesn't also have a lesbian lover tucked away in some country as well - hmmm or does he?

While I realize most men do not have lesbian lovers, I am pretty sure the government investigators would spin their wheels on that one a bit.

Martin said...

I'm sorry, I truly don't understand the entire premise for this post.

Investigators?

Help me out here!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

oh your stories get better and better..I must attned one of the New Years Eve parties..can i come even if I am not a governtmet worker????

Jaime said...

Yes, you definitely know too many people who work for the government to have that contest.
No, I am TOTALLY not surprised that you won. ;)
I could actually hear the crickets. Even over my laughter!

Laura said...

We had an incident in the booking room once where a DUI female was to be fingerprinted and she dropped her drawers, pointed down and yelled, "Print this, bitch!!". I totally miss that job.
~L.

Carl said...

I go away for a week, and THIS is what I come back to. Am I the only one who hears Dionne Warwick in the background warbling "That's What Friends Are For"? Because I don't think this is quite what the songwriter had in mind.

Anyway, I am concerned that your blog MIGHT be giving some people the wrong idea about my character. For instance, many government workers DO in fact have great senses of humor. Unfortunately, I am not one of them, as my sense of humor would get me arrested by the PC police, and that certainly wouldn't look good when they're investigating my background to make sure I'm not selling government secrets to the Iranians.

And Random Vixen, there is absolutely nothing incriminating in my basement. I mean, I've seen "Law and Order" - that's the first place they'd look! Although after looking at your 11/18/05 post, I'm a little intrigued about what might be going on in your basement.

Cathy, your point reminds me of one of my father's old chestnuts: "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." However, I will NOT concede that I am turning into my father, no matter what everyone says every time I go home. I think I'm safe until I start going to bed at 8:30 and waking up at 4 in the morning.

And Laura, I can't beat that story, so I'll stop here.

Kristen said...

Martin--when you get certain government jobs in the States, an investigator comes to talk to your friends, neighbors, former employers and checks your credit report to make sure that you don't need to sell state secrets to pay your Visa bill.

Martin said...

Thank you. That's ridiculous.