I am not emotionally prepared to discuss today's poop incident as it involved a public parking lot and 17 wipes, so you'll all have to settle for YESTERDAY's story.
I would first like to say that Dan Brown has it all wrong. You know, that whole conspiracy theory about the Catholic Church hiding the evidence that Jesus Christ was actually married to Mary Magdalene and they had kids and now their descendants are driving 1989 Ford Astrovans with New York plates in the left hand lane on the Jersey turnpike, clogging traffic.
This is not the Catholic Church's greatest sin. The church's sin is the conspiracy it is running with CVS and Blue Cross to deny me MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
My disclaimers up front:
1) I'm not Catholic, but I know some Catholics and they swear to me that the church thinks it is bad news to be standing in the way of prolific procreation ("I know some Catholics" sounds remotely like what you would hear out of a person's mouth accused of being racist--"I was friends with an Asian person once"--sorry to all you Catholics out there.
2) I am not against Dan Brown. I didn't think the book was as earth-shattering as B said it was, but then again, B is Catholic.
3) I am against all people clogging the left hand lane, regardless of race, religion, sex, ect. and do not give a rat's ass about the person driving.
Back to the story...
So I called CVS to reorder my prescription of BCP's. Since I managed to lose 2 months worth a couple of months ago. I ran out 2 days ago so I was already in trouble. I tried to order the generic brand because it is $25 cheaper. And this is how the conversation went with the pharmacist/Satan as I had already explained that I LOST THE PILLS AND NEEDED MORE.
P: This doesn't come in generic.
K: (thinking, nice try, B-e-och, I took a damn FDA law course) Ah, are you sure about that?
P: Oh, yeah it does but your doctor hasn't authorized you to get generic. You have to call your doctor.
P: You know your insurance won't pay for this because it's too soon.
K: I know. I'm gonna pay.
P: You aren't authorized to get more until September 1 because it's too soon.
K: Once again, I LOST THE PILLS AND I AM GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MONTH. I would just like to get the generic because they are cheaper.
P: Your doctor hasn't authorized generic.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. WTF? I'm off to explain to the nurse why I need generic. She agrees to call CVS and authorize the generic.
I show up at CVS.
P: You know, this is too soon and your insurance isn't going to pay for it.
K: I know, I'm going to pay for it.
P: The insurance will pay for it if you wait until September 1.
It cost Blue Cross $8900 for me to give birth. Do they want to F$#&ing pay another $8900 in 40 weeks? I swear they have to both be working for the Catholic Church.
So I get home and I'm explaining this whole thing to Derek in bed.
K: You would have thought I was trying to get 8 boxes of Sudafed, and 3 months worth of Zoloft, Paxil and Adderall with prescriptions from 3 different doctors. I was just trying to get BIRTH CONTROL. Let's be honest. You-know-who has 2 kids, 13 months apart, and she fantasizes about killing herself to get away from them. Right now I am only fantasizing about being like that mother in the Oprah book club book that gets out of her car and leaves her purse and ice cream on the front seat, never to return. And for the entire book, the family is not trying to figure out why the mother left but why she couldn't have put the ice cream away before she did. Yeah, that's my fantasy.
D: I'm sorry, babe. It is a conspiracy. (as he snuggles closer)
K: WTF are you doing? What are you looking at me for like that? Which part of this story did you miss?
D: (sheepishly) You said you got your pills, so I thought...
K: Two days late. GET THE HELL OVER TO YOUR SIDE OF THE BED AND DON'T EVEN LOOK IN MY DIRECTION. And I am SO blogging this tomorrow.