Tuesday, August 30, 2005

More conspiracy theories

I am not emotionally prepared to discuss today's poop incident as it involved a public parking lot and 17 wipes, so you'll all have to settle for YESTERDAY's story.

I would first like to say that Dan Brown has it all wrong. You know, that whole conspiracy theory about the Catholic Church hiding the evidence that Jesus Christ was actually married to Mary Magdalene and they had kids and now their descendants are driving 1989 Ford Astrovans with New York plates in the left hand lane on the Jersey turnpike, clogging traffic.

This is not the Catholic Church's greatest sin. The church's sin is the conspiracy it is running with CVS and Blue Cross to deny me MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.

My disclaimers up front:
1) I'm not Catholic, but I know some Catholics and they swear to me that the church thinks it is bad news to be standing in the way of prolific procreation ("I know some Catholics" sounds remotely like what you would hear out of a person's mouth accused of being racist--"I was friends with an Asian person once"--sorry to all you Catholics out there.
2) I am not against Dan Brown. I didn't think the book was as earth-shattering as B said it was, but then again, B is Catholic.
3) I am against all people clogging the left hand lane, regardless of race, religion, sex, ect. and do not give a rat's ass about the person driving.

Back to the story...

So I called CVS to reorder my prescription of BCP's. Since I managed to lose 2 months worth a couple of months ago. I ran out 2 days ago so I was already in trouble. I tried to order the generic brand because it is $25 cheaper. And this is how the conversation went with the pharmacist/Satan as I had already explained that I LOST THE PILLS AND NEEDED MORE.

P: This doesn't come in generic.
K: (thinking, nice try, B-e-och, I took a damn FDA law course) Ah, are you sure about that?
P: Oh, yeah it does but your doctor hasn't authorized you to get generic. You have to call your doctor.
K: Fine.
P: You know your insurance won't pay for this because it's too soon.
K: I know. I'm gonna pay.
P: You aren't authorized to get more until September 1 because it's too soon.
K: Once again, I LOST THE PILLS AND I AM GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MONTH. I would just like to get the generic because they are cheaper.
P: Your doctor hasn't authorized generic.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. WTF? I'm off to explain to the nurse why I need generic. She agrees to call CVS and authorize the generic.

I show up at CVS.

P: You know, this is too soon and your insurance isn't going to pay for it.
K: I know, I'm going to pay for it.
P: The insurance will pay for it if you wait until September 1.

It cost Blue Cross $8900 for me to give birth. Do they want to F$#&ing pay another $8900 in 40 weeks? I swear they have to both be working for the Catholic Church.

So I get home and I'm explaining this whole thing to Derek in bed.

K: You would have thought I was trying to get 8 boxes of Sudafed, and 3 months worth of Zoloft, Paxil and Adderall with prescriptions from 3 different doctors. I was just trying to get BIRTH CONTROL. Let's be honest. You-know-who has 2 kids, 13 months apart, and she fantasizes about killing herself to get away from them. Right now I am only fantasizing about being like that mother in the Oprah book club book that gets out of her car and leaves her purse and ice cream on the front seat, never to return. And for the entire book, the family is not trying to figure out why the mother left but why she couldn't have put the ice cream away before she did. Yeah, that's my fantasy.
D: I'm sorry, babe. It is a conspiracy. (as he snuggles closer)
K: WTF are you doing? What are you looking at me for like that? Which part of this story did you miss?
D: (sheepishly) You said you got your pills, so I thought...
K: Two days late. GET THE HELL OVER TO YOUR SIDE OF THE BED AND DON'T EVEN LOOK IN MY DIRECTION. And I am SO blogging this tomorrow.

16 comments:

momma of 2 said...

I have BCBS... I understand, I had to switch doctors, because his religious beliefs didn't allow him to write scripts for Birth Control pills. I think I want to be the mom in Oprah book clubs.

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

om gosh..I am laying here in my bed feeling your pain..i do not take the pills but i had taken the shots before..

you surely have one funny run in after another..it truly want just one day to be with you...go shopping , go to dinner, I need some entertainment..and your it baby:)

and tell hubby to sleep on the couch...you never no how sneaky those sperm can be..:)

Marel Lecone said...

"WTF are you doing? What are you looking at me for like that? Which part of this story did you miss?"

Laughing out loud, while husband and children try to sleep. That was too funny. :)

Uh. I know you remember when I said that the NJ drivers suck bad. Funny how you threw in the NY plates. :)

Well, the husband has gone downstairs to finish the Yankee game. Thanks! :)

inandoutspoken's MOMMY BRAIN LEFTOVERS! said...

SO. FREAKIN'. HILARIOUS.

And I'm not Catholic either but I'm about to read "The Da Vinci Code" (yeah, I think I'm about the last adult on earth who HASN'T read it, but hey - they didn't all have the Destructo Duo to contain all day, either). I'll have to look for that part about the '89 van...

I think that Anthem is just CLUELESS. I don't EVEN want to know what MY pregnancy cost (can we say, ultrasounds every week for the last 10 weeks and visits twice a week for the last 5 weeks??). I always thought it was assinine that my employer (who wasn't using Anthem/BCBS at the time) wouldn't pay for birth control. HEEELLLLOOOOO - you want me out for another couple months between bed rest & maternity leave?????

DUH!!!

vani said...

LOL- who the hell do they think they are messing with your BCP's like that? do they not understand how crucial it is for you to have them? god i wish i had your willpower to "shoo" your husband away like that....but i swear i learned my lesson after this 3rd kid!!! lol

Katya said...

i stopped using BCP a while ago now, they were the cause of a few problems with my smear results apparantly...luckily over here you just go to your gp and get them, or a family planning clinic...simple - yours sounds really complicated...

lets hear the poop story too...lol

:0)

Katya said...

and i've got Da Vinci Code, but i just can't find the time to read it...

J.P. said...

I have yet to read The Da Vinci Code, too.

This is a bit of an off-shoot of the story, but a few months ago there developed the controversy over state-mandated sales of the pill at pharmacies, and it was weird to see how so many people were on different sides of the issue. Devout Catholics said that pharmacists shouldn’t be forced to sell something to which they objected, others insisted that the government should have final say on everything that is sold in a pharmacy, and others suggested that pharmacists be allowed to sell whatever they choose, with the consumers allowed to be the final judges (if they didn’t like the decisions of the pharmacist in question, they could boycott that particular pharmacy). I like the third choice, but if I remember correctly the government-mandate group won.

Now I have the old Monty Python song stuck in my head.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God will be irate.

amy said...

I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard. You.are.my.idol.

Forget Kelly Clarkson or Ruben what's-his-name, you are my idol.

I have nothing else to say because I just can't stop laughing and wiping away tears. You obviously realize the value of blogging because in daily conversations to my husband (or friends) I will say "I am SO blogging about that tomorrow." It's just something we have to do now!

missbhavens said...

Ohmigod that's so insane. I've had that happen to me at a NYC Genovese, as well. Too early, no generic, you have to pay full price, the whole story. Unbelievable! Infuriating! Unfair! I don't see any men having trouble filling their Viagra prescriptions! Unreal. As to Pharmacists being allowed to pick and choose what to describe based on their "conscience"...HOGWASH. If you are in the healthcare biz you have to be in it lock, stock and I-don't-share-your-views-but-I'll-do-my-damn-job barrrel. As an L&D nurse in a public hospital I always run into this problem with staff refusing to take patients who are excercizing their legal right to terminate a pregancy. The hospital has allowed them to sign a "Conscience Letter". Never mind that most are pro- choice anyway, but are just lazy and don't want to take sad, complicated cases.

Oooohh....that wen't a little off topic. Sorry.

missbhavens said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jaime said...

LOL... OBVIOUSLY the people who decide that there is such a thing as getting birth control "too soon" are not stay-at-home-moms, moms of children under 1, moms or terrible-twos, or moms or teens. :)

You should totally call the insurance company and explain to them the SAVINGS involved with giving you the birth control sooner. ;)

You crack me up. As always! :)

Jaime said...

Oh, btw, I have The Davinci Code but haven't read it yet. :)

Martin said...

Da Vinci Code - Far more bothered by the shocking stereotyping than the conspiracy theories.

Contextualised situation - I'd just have laughed at you very hard if I were him, sorry.

Now blog about the poop incident -you are always hilarious at the eye of the storm!

Laura said...

Oh you smart, smart woman. I have three kids, the last two of which are 16 months apart and there are days where I want to chew on the end of a 9mm. LIKE TODAY FOR EXAMPLE. Is it asking too much to be able to take that 45 seconds or so and PEE BY MYSELF??? Is it? Or can we possibly go for more than 5 minutes at a time without someone screaming or hearing my two year old daughter utter the words, "Bee is touching meeeeeee!!!". So if you hear a thud, thud, thud, thud from half a state away..it's just me beating my head on the desk.
And don't you love dealing with the pharmacy clerks? It's like talking to Forrest Gump.
"You ain't got no legs, Lt. Dan"
"Yes Forrest, I know"
"If you wait until September 1st the insurance will pay for it"
"Yes Forrest, I know"
Sigh...
Ok, done.
~L.

Random Vixen said...

I learned the generic lesson a while back. I can't take my migraine pills without taking my nasea pills or I will throw them up. So my doc writes brand names all around. The nasuea pills are $35! generic is $9. I ask for generic. No your doctor didn't write it that way. Da hell. I had to call the nurse and apparently she was well versed. She said oh yeah, just remeber when getting new scripts for now on the doc doesn't write DAW. then you can back and forth from brand to gneneric.