Saturday, January 08, 2005

Baby Care 101

OK, talk about a funny day. Notwithstanding the night of NO sleep because Derek was snuggled up to me like a damn sherpa, causing my body temperature to hit about a million degrees, the highlight of my day, by far, was the Lamaze baby care class that we found ourselves in this morning.

I'm no expert, but I have changed a few diapers in my day. Mom said that this class would be good for Ethan's father. To get Mr. Overeducated/Overachiever there, I did have to tell him that this was the first class in a postgraduate degree program and there would be tests.

We showed up 5 minutes late, because I am really trying to drive Derek crazy. Little payback for the 2 1/2 hours of insomnia last night. And let me tell you, there was just about one of every kind there today. The guy, easily 10 years older than his wife, holding the baby doll upside down by the leg as he was trying to swaddle. The lesbian partners, keeping the instructor on her "partner" toes rather than her "dad" toes. And, my personal favorite, the Mr. and Mrs. Attorney, complete with matching yellow legal pads.

"So, exactly when should my baby be crawling?" I watched them take 12 pages of notes between them. Right down to the five things to look for when your baby is crying.

"I missed the third one, could you repeat it?"

"Check to see if the baby is wet."

OK, I'm not saying this is all intuitive, but give me a break. I'm smelling dual Yale grads and I'm thinking this kid will be in therapy by age three and it won't be a particularly productive therapy. Every time she asked a question about where her child should be in relation to other children, I kicked Derek under the conference table. You can only hope that the two of them will pop out a child that is an artist or musician. Something that will drive the Type A's to drink.

Genetically speaking, I think Ethan has a good chance at being at the higher end of the bell curve, but I have no intention of choosing his prep school today. He'll crawl when he wants to crawl (most likely when he decides that he has to get away from Zinni). And we'll figure it out. That's what it is all about, right?

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