Monday, October 10, 2005

His only job is to keep the baby alive

I don't see why it has to be so difficult.

It started on Saturday. I was supposed to go to a bridal shower and of course had not wrapped the present until 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave. I stacked the presents high on the bed and wrapped them with ribbon as D and E watched. E lunged forward and his father watched him rip the wrapping off one of the presents.

K: HELLO!!! What are you doing?
D: I thought he wanted to touch it. I didn't think he would rip it.

Fine. I grabbed the boxes and as I lifted them, I noticed a small 1 inch by 1/2 inch piece of wrapping paper under them. Which, of course, I brought to his father's attention.

When I came back, the small piece was gone. I sat down to offer one last meal to the Boo but he started to wail. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He was so upset. It was then that his father started the conversation.

D: Maybe he is upset because he swallowed the wrapping paper.
K: I'm sorry?
D: That piece of wrapping paper is gone. Maybe he ate it and it is making him sick.
K: I noticed it was gone. I just thought that MAYBE you had grabbed it when my hands were FULL.
D: Yeah, no.

With that, the baby started to "eckh, eckh." I opened his mouth and out popped the tiniest piece of pink wrapping paper you have ever seen. One piece down, one thousand to go.

K: Hey, come look at this (pointing to the speck on the bed)
D: I guess he ate it.
K: You let him eat wrapping paper.
D: I didn't think he could reach it.
K: Do you realize how bad this is? That wasn't just your average run-of-the-mill Hallmark wrapping paper. That was Sally Foster wrapping paper.
D: So?
K: That crap is like Tyvek. In fact, I think it IS Tyvek. I think that Sally Foster buys it with pink high-heeled shoes on it and Home Depot buys it with Tyvek on it. It could be like gum. It could take 7 years for him to digest it. The kid is miserable. I can't believe you let him eat the wrapping paper. And now I am supposed to leave you for 5 hours?

Three hours later, he called me because he thought I had just called him.

D: Your son just learned how to go from the living room to the den.
K: (knowing that there is a step down to the den and realizing that E hasn't quite learned the whole 'step' thing yet) Did he land in the den on his head?
D: Yep.

I think this is a plot to keep me home. Must resist....


Bossy♥'s YOU said...

yes that is what it is..i swear...they will even make up sghit to keep us home..I have witnssed it honey..not pretty at all

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh that would make me CRAZY! ;)

amy said...

Oh gee ... this is like looking into a crystal ball and seeing what my life will be like in 5 years. Bless you for letting me in on the (albeit rather hilarious) secret ...

Cathy said...

Maybe Derek should start drinking more gin.....think about it - if he is so...(ummm - looking for the correct term here - )..."ditzy" when watching E - the effects of the gin should counteract the ditzyness. You know, kindof like two wrongs make it right....

Rumor is this may have worked for his mom :)

Amy said...

I say you punish him and make him do more of the "watching." It might be a few broken bones later.....

vani said...

i have asked myself many times" is he really this stupid, or does he do this on purpose? lol....many, many, many

Marel Lecone said...

I'm with the girls here. And, definitely, you . . . must . . . resist. :)

momma of 2 said...

The lesson here is that you need to leave D in charge of E more often. Then he will learn to pick up that tiny piece of wrapping paper, and pay closer attention... trust me the first time he has to take E to the ER for stitches/ or to double check that the arm isn't broken, on his watch... he'll pay closer attention - worked on my hubby.

Corona Red said...

You know at least you know D and therefore aren't too surprised by what he does with E. I've read that men tend to be more laid back than woman and let kids get more bangs and bruises. But, momma of 2 has a point. He'll learn.