Letter to the 'rents

Mom and Dad,

On this eve before my five month birthday, I thought it would be beneficial for all family members if we would have a state-of-the-parenting discussion. I will address Dad first because I realize that as a man, he will only read the first two paragraphs of this anyway and then ask Mom for a summary of the rest when he grows instantly bored.

Dad:

Television Viewing Habits
You should probably know that if you continue to give Mom that cause-and-effect speech regarding her late night chocolate and my late night “If You Think I Am Going To Sleep Before Midnight” situation, she is probably going to give you the same cause-and-effect speech about my constant wails during any and all of your attempts to watch Jay Leno. Dad, please. Leno??? He is SO 1990 and he isn’t funny. You couldn’t watch Conan?

Bedtime Routine
Thanks for singing, Dad, but you might want to keep that voice of yours below a dull roar. I know you are a big man but if you actually want me to go to sleep, you probably shouldn’t come into my room yelling “What’s wrong, Buddy” when I am crying. And as for the walking thing, it looks like you and me will be learning around the same time. Is my room so difficult to navigate that you have to knock everything over after you finally get me settled down? And you might want to work on NOT falling into the crib after you put me in. But only if you want me to actually stay asleep.

Mom:

Poop and Vomit
Mom, Marmie and I have discussed this “poop and vomit” obsession of yours and she thinks you should just get over it. Apparently you did the same thing to her and is SHE STILL MOANING ABOUT IT? When you hand me the phone to talk to her, we are not just exchanging pleasantries as you thought. I am describing in great cooing detail all of the injustices I am suffering at your hands and she is telling me to be patient with you because you are doing the best you can. Further, she is also telling me not to listen to your foul language.

Child Collaboration (aka Or Why You Shouldn’t Make Fun of Your Friend’s Parenting)
You probably shouldn’t have been laughing yesterday when Faith was screeching at the top of her lungs telling Marelle to “Just Go Away.” Faith and I are VERY good friends and she is a VERY smart girl. She has already been informing of the “Finish Your Plate” injustices suffered by her in Long Island at the hands of her tyrannical mother and she has made a list of all the “Buttons” to push. So back off, sister. Your time is coming.

To both parents:

Response Time For Any and All Yelling
a. The “I-Can’t-Believe-You-Put-Me-In-This-Crib-Now-What-Am-I-Supposed-To-Do” cry
--response time is non-existent. Hello, People. There is a baby in this house.
b. The “My-Hand-Is-Caught-In-This-Damn-Toy-Again-Will-You-Ever-Learn-To-Not-Leave- Me-Alone-With-It” cry
--response time is a little slow. This is pain I am feeling and just because you are trying to
finish making your toast first (or your blog, if we are being honest) doesn’t mean the arm
isn't getting a nice red mark around the bicep.
c. The “If-You-People-Think-I-Will-Ever-Stop-Crying-Then-You-Are-Sorely-Mistaken” cry
--response time is Much Improved. I knew you two weren’t as stupid as you
look.

Sleeping Arrangements
If you are wondering why I go instantly silent when you place me on YOUR bed, it might be because I prefer the 600 thread count sheets and that pillowtop mattress of yours. Don't think I didn't notice that you bought me that cheap-ass crib mattress and those cardboard sheets. I know you have that whole SIDS thing to worry about, but come on. There has to be some middle ground. Enough with the "all night diner" comments as well. That scratching at your back in the middle of the night is not to make your mosquito bites feel better. I am trying to get your attention. Wasn't it your decision to nurse on demand? We like to call this demanding, in case you are wondering. And please stop whining about how much I move around when I am in bed with the two of you. It's not my fault that the bowling ball mattress guaranteeing a good night's sleep doesn't include any and all movements.

In conclusion, I have a few words for Zinni. Stop drinking the Hatorade, bud, cause I ain’t going anywhere. Mom has promised you repeatedly that she will not allow me to torment you and word on the street is that there are Cherrios just around the corner for you. Hang in there. If you are really good, I’ll let you have your chew toys back.

Thank you for your time. Now could someone PLEASE change this damn diaper.

Ethan